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| So I’m approaching the 10 month mark here in NY. it definitely has been an experience and there are too many things to catch you up on. So let me just give you the overall tone of my experience here.
NY has been like a fucken older brother by trying to straighten me out and shit. Kicking me in the ass, and then taking care of me. I’ve learned so much about myself, what I consider home, and what qualities in a friend I truly cherish.
My friend Vince told me that I’m no longer the naive girl he first met back in January. He said I was the happy go lucky girl. He saw me reach to only get hurt and fall flat on my face. Now, he says that I have a better sense of self worth. I can't necessarily say that I know what I want b/c at this point, I don’t. So it's safe to say that I know what I do not want.
I miss the Bay. This move made me realize my love for it. I know people here are sick of me talking about the bay, talking like I’m from the bay, and just plain repping the bay every. It has come to the point where I don’t even notice I’m repping it. I miss my community I had there. Here in NY, the community is broken up by cold concrete buildings and streets. I know a sense of community is out here, it’s just hidden. Back in cali/santa cruz/the bay, there was open sky with enough room for a sense of love and community. I miss my family, my community.
I may just contradict myself, talking about this growth business. But I feel like I have taken a step back as well. It really hit me when I went back to the bay. I saw that my step was a little bit quicker, my patience grew thin, and being thoughtful is even dwindling. I smile just a little bit less now; looking at a stranger in the eye has become a little bit more uncomfortable. This is not me, and I do not like it.
So as my lease is coming to an end, it is time for me to think whether I should stay one more year, or just say that I am done with NY. I feel that I came to NY to do big things and to live my dream. But as every day passes, I seem to lose track of that feeling. Edy told me, if you find what youre came to NY to do/find and you realize you want to leave because you realize it’s not that tight, then you didn’t give up. The more I think about this, the more I feel that I have found what I came for. I came to be on my own, live in a city of unfamiliar faces, and start my life by myself and to just "do me." So I did... is it as tight as I thought it might be? Living on my own, definitely tight. Living in a city of unfamiliar faces? Not so tight.
I may not have the typical and tangible answer, like oh I found this and it’s not so tight. But in response, my life back in Cali was tight. Fatima said going back to Cali will lead to living the "normal" again. Then I told her that my "normal" was great. However, I won’t go back to the life I was living in Cali, only b/c I’m a different person and I will bring what I have learned in NY back to Cali with me. I mean I didn’t waste 10 months of my life, right?
I came; I saw... and I like to think I conquered. I really do love NY and the millions of things it has to offer, but it definitely isn't home.
"mad love for NY, hella love for Cali" | | |
| its 2007? where the hell did time go?
sorry i've neglected you my xanga. but lets try to fastforward. brace yourself. the candles are on. you know what that means.
so moving to NYC is a fucken trip. came here with no apt, no job, just some money saved up. what the hell was i thinking right? but things ended up working out and i'm fine. so now that i'm settled in, i'm looking forward to my folks coming to visit!
being here in NYC has always been a dream of mine, but now that i'm actually here, i have realized my deep love for the Bay. i miss the weather, the folks, SAFEWAY, and mainly its the place i left my heart and call home. although i must say that the night life here definitely beats the bay. i have a few things i really dont like about nyc. but i guess this is my home for the next 2 years, so i really shouldn't say shit. but if you wanna know, we can definitely talk about it ;)
i miss my family and friends. and there are times were i think "why the fuck did i come here to be alone. when i have love on the other side of the country?" hahah. then i met some folks here which made this experience so much better. they remind me of my friends at home, which is very comforting. they have taken me in and helped make this transition so much better.
audrey came to visit the week of my bday and i love her mucho for that. we went out every night she was in town, i had little sleep but it was worth it. it was a little slow at the beginning of the week,but quickly picked up. wednesday we went to a bar/lounge in the meatpacking district called APT. we saw Pink! hahah. thursday we went out for happy hour, then i had STEAK! followed by a random yet spontaneous trip to Jersey. friday we headed to philly with some good company and had bomb ass philly cheesesteaks! and saturday was a night of drunk fun that i dont remmeber. haha
so i usually have a reason why i hate valentines day. something always goes wrong, whether it is breaking up with someone or just having this commercialized ass holiday make me feel retarded for not having someone to share the day with. however this year took a different turn. i had a dope ass date who was the perfect gentleman. i received beautiful flowers and great FILIPINO FOOD! He took me to Cendrillon, which had bomb ass food. id like to go back there for sure.
to add to this day, it finally snowed!!! not like a few snow flaked falling to the ground, but really snowed to the point where it stayed and sticked to the ground. i was in love at first, but it quickly changed when i was constantly trying to not fall on my ass and avoid the dirty ass snow! so i guess you can say it just put the cherry on top to the great night. long awaited snow, good food, nice flowers, good company, and did i mention good food?haha
its late kids...i'll be sure to update again in the near future. i miss you all.
| | |
| written by my friend RYAN
this helps me when i need it...
It's not about finding someone.
It's about finally seeing them.
It was never about how happy they make you.
It was always about how they preserve your happiness.
Don't worry about how much you need eachother.
That need was already met when you first met.
Don't chase love.
It's already chasing you.
Don't fall in love.
Casually acknowledge its presence and gladly step in it.
Time alone should be spent looking for yourself.
Not looking for someone to spend it with.
Enjoy the time you are single.
Love the time that you are not.
These are my words to you in these times of emotional confusion. I believe in them whole heartedly. Even as hard as it is for me to live by them...
| | |
| i speak
because i know my needs
i speak with hesitation
because i know not yours
my words
come from my life's experiences
your understanding
comes from yours
because of this
what i say
and what you hear
may not be the same
so if you will listen carefully
but not with your ears
to what i say
but not with my tongue
maybe somehow
we can communicate
-Javan | | |
| WE LOVE RENT!!!
snickernkr: pleasure pizza at 3?
Ap IRi IL: suuuure... i'll try to find a $1.10
Ap IRi IL: haha
snickernkr: dude
snickernkr: i'll get you
Ap IRi IL: i feel so bad... hahaha
snickernkr: actually
snickernkr: i'll cover you
snickernkr: do you feel bad now
Ap IRi IL: LOL
Ap IRi IL: you'll cover me?
Ap IRi IL: lol
snickernkr: i wont be your shelter
snickernkr: cuz you already have one
Ap IRi IL: lol... omg
Ap IRi IL: we're dorks
snickernkr: i wont give you 1000 kisses
snickernkr: cuz ummm
snickernkr: you know
Ap IRi IL: uhhh... yeah
Ap IRi IL: yeah
snickernkr: hahahaha
snickernkr: but be your feeder
Ap IRi IL: lol | | |
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